Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Snapping Turtles

====================================================================

 "Little snapping turtles snap -- so the great naturalist tells us -- before they are fairly out of the egg-shell"

....Oliver Wendell Holmes




 




 http://www.google.co.in/imgres?imgurl=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/98/Submerged_Snapping_turtle.jpg/220px-Submerged_Snapping_turtle.jpg&imgrefurl=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chelydridae&h=282&w=220&sz=24&tbnid=WOayBnkms1MhlM:&tbnh=100&tbnw=78&zoom=1&docid=AsOaB5BYNU880M&hl=en&sa=X&ei=83qhT_eZMsXjrAez8tzCBw&sqi=2&ved=0CFUQ9QEwAw&dur=6497


 *********************************************************************************************************


'...Try another Subtraction sum. Take a bone from a dog: what remains?'
Alice considered. 'The bone wouldn't remain, of course, if I took it—and the dog wouldn't remain: it would come to bite me—and I'm sure I shouldn't remain!'
'Then you think nothing would remain?' said the Red Queen.
'I think that's the answer.'
'Wrong, as usual,' said the Red Queen: 'the dog's temper would remain.'
'But I don't see how—'
'Why, look here!' the Red Queen cried. 'The dog would lose its temper, wouldn't it?'
'Perhaps it would,' Alice replied cautiously.
'Then if the dog went away, its temper would remain!' the Queen exclaimed triumphantly.
  


 *****************************************************************************************************

Losing temper is an art...those who do it routinely, left and right indiscriminately, lose all respect and are ignored if they can't be avoided...except by those clever folks who know that once the heat of the moment passes the chap would be in a mellow mood of repentance and ready to make amends by granting out-of-turn promotions.


Sage Durvasa was known for his short fuse. But like all snapping turtles, once he got satiated, he cooled down and used to grant boons. He granted Kunti the boon to get a child from any God by uttering a secret mantra...since he could foresee that this beautiful girl would be married to an anemic infertile hubby. He saved Draupadi from public humiliation worse than death by granting her a boon that when needed most she would get unending miles of clothes, because she once tore up her sari and used the piece to tie up a bleeding wound he sustained. 

But when he felt insulted, which was oftener, he would curse, like he cursed poor Shakuntala lost in her blog-thought. But he lost his sense of balance when he cursed Ambarish and had to eat crow because Ambarish (Mukhopadhyay) happened to be under the protection of Lord Vishnu himself.


There is a moral here...before you insult someone who looked like a buddhu, do some research into his cv. As I narrated earlier, I was once accused of plagiarism in a hot moment by a Professor of an Ivy League School. My position was very compromised by circumstantial evidence and I knew it was touch and go for me. After recovering my senses I went to the Central Library (before Google was born) and spent a whole day scanning the Author Index of Physics Abstracts over the past forty years. And discovered that the chap didn't publish anything during the last two decades....that explains his possessiveness to his AJP Paper...like a mother who gave birth to a child after a thousand attempts. The rest of the match was a walkover...


Also the incident I narrated earlier where the Collector & District Magistrate of Nellore made me stand and wait outside his office for four hours and after finally letting me in before shutting shop dismissed me in half a minute saying NO to my request to  excuse my sister from election duty on health grounds saying:


"Everyone falls sick just before election duty..."

"Please reconsider your decision"



"Once this man makes a decision, there is no going back"


And I was shunted out by his peon. But, India being India, my sister pulled one of several strings she had and made a midnight call to Hyderabad and the next morning, the peon that shoved me away had to come and tell her in person that she has been excused...I didn't want to meet the Collector again and simper, with my hands cupped over my ears, saying:


"Boo!"


Soon after I landed in KGP, I was in the Tech Market and suddenly I found that all shopkeepers left their counters and ran to form a ring around two chaps (shopkeepers themselves) shouting at each other at the top of their voices. The onlookers were enjoying the verbal duel. I was afraid by the tone and loudness of their quarrel that I would see blood flowing any minute. But nothing of that sort happened unfortunately...the two never touched each other...after arguing and possibly cursing each other in vile language, they departed, turning back once in a while to throw one more vilification at each other...perhaps all they wanted was to find out who had the last word. The crowd melted away in silence...


Things were different in the AP where I was born and brought up. No one would know what was happening before they hear blows and chops and cuts and thrusts between two grown-up adults. Then the crowd would gather and egg them on to fight to the finish taking sides impartially. All that the crowd wanted was some gore they had been starved of for more than a week. When they think things have gone too far and police may arrive anytime, two stalwarts would come and separate the two goons by pulling them apart...something the contestants were waiting and praying for...because there was no question of the 'last word'...it was the 'last blow' and this should be avoided at any cost. Because, the crowd would finally bring back the two goons and make them shake hands. Something that often used to happen in our Telugu movies.

During the 1970s there was an informal voting among the students of IIT KGP as to which Department had the shortest fuse. The result was:

"EE the shortest & AgE the longest'

Phy dept came somewhere in the middle.

I asked my friend and neighbor, Prof Padmanabhan of EE about it and he said:

"Yea, our ritual is to first throw the lab khata out of the window and then try to throw the student too...it has become a matter of prestige to us and a convention that can't be allowed to lapse"

I then asked my other friend and neighbor in the Faculty Hostel, Prof H Das (sadly no more) of the AgE Department and he said in cold blood:

"Welfare of our draft cattle is of prime concern to us"


=====================================================================

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Dubious Distinctions

=======================================================================

King Dasharatha could shoot blind...just by hearing the sound he could aim and pull unerringly. A great gift...that led to his distress and death. For, he shot an unseen object thinking it was an elephant drinking at its watering hole but ended up killing a teenager filling his pitcher...dabuk...dubuk...drook. And was cursed by the sage who sent his son to fetch water that he too will get to know the pangs of losing a son.


By the way, what business had Dasharatha killing a harmless vegetarian elephant?...He couldn't have eaten its flesh...or was he poaching for ivory? If you haven't already read this fantastic essay by Orwell, do so right away:


http://eslreading.org/shootinganelephant.pdf



Raama was so proud of his rectitude as a King that he asked Sita to jump into a bonfire...not once but again and again. Had Sita been an equal-rights activist like my mom, she would have turned around and asked him to jump in first...for, while she was always ringed by a dozen keen-eyed rakshasis in her open-air jail, her hubby was all that time wandering freely all around the jungles of voluptuous Tamilnadu.


The less said about the vaunted and flaunted Dharma of Yudhistir the better...ask Draupadiji...


There was this Professor J in the ME Department of IIT KGP. He used to boast that his Ph D thesis was in two volumes of 500 pages each. When I said this to Raamda with whom I was sharing office for a year, he laughed and said his own thesis was 90 pages...most of it Bibliography, Acknowledgments and Introduction.


And then Prof J was made the Time Table-in-Charge of the whole Institute... a dreaded task. Prof J took a month to do it...with the assistance of his scholars he filled an entire room with a dozen and more notice boards with mega drawing sheets pasted all over them. Anyone could walk in, search, and find out if Room F-232 is vacant on Friday 5th hour, if not, which class is going on there and which teacher and which subject and which section...all you have to do is to spend a half hour scanning and peering and bending over sundry boards...but it was a do-it-yourself thing.


And then the job fell into the lap of Raamda. He took two days and two nights and after inventing many intricate codes and symbols and legends he micro-miniaturized the entire Institute Time Table into just one PT Sheet which he folded and pocketed. Anyone wanting to know if Room F-232 is vacant on Friday 5th hour had to just ring him up...he would pull out the sheet from his kurta pocket and not only tell whatever Prof J's boards did, but suggest that Rooms F-131, C-235 and Raman Auditorium are vacant then. And if anyone asked for a copy of the Institute Time Table, Raamda would most willingly invite him to our office and push his original and hand him a blank PT sheet and a pen...plain-paper-copiers were unknown then. I have seen many who barged in, leaving dismayed returning his PT sheet and pen...the whole thing was a cryptogram whose codes are in a secure place...Raamda's bald head. 


One morning DB was emitting smoke rings in our room trying to figure out which way the contour should bend and trap all those wicked poles when a student entered unannounced and announced to DB excitedly: "Sir! Sir!! Mother Teresa won the Nobel this year!!!" DB looked at the kid severely and rebuked: "Mother Teresa could be proud of it...but you and I have to hang our heads in shame that she chose our Calcutta for it, of all the thousands of cities in the world." The kid's jaw fell and he left in a rueful mood.

Here is a snatch of e-chat between Edwin and me circa AD 2000:



"GP! What is your KGP famous for (apart from GP)?


"Its Railway Platform is the longest in the world"


"What?...What!...hee heee heeeee!"


"What is Boston famous for (apart from Edwin)?"


"Well, MIT, Harvard...."


"Never heard of them before I came to IIT KGP...but all of us had heard of Boston Strangler...haa haaa haaaa!"


=======================================================================