A Season of Limericks and Lampoons

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A Season of Limericks and Lampoons

To use a well-worn Dickensian cliché, it was a winter of despair and a spring of hope.

I am referring to the winter of 2008 and the spring of 2009.

There was the world-wide recession, the Bombay carnage, the tanking of Sensex and tumbling of the real estate, followed by Obama’s Presidential Election, and our own hilarious General Elections.

For a pensioner like me sitting in Hyderabad, it was the time of my life: just watching the ‘News at 9’ and scanning the newspapers spawned more than a hundred limericks and lampoons in 2 months.

I collect here a clutch of them in no particular order:

I. International: 1. Satyam: Lehman laid, Goldman Sacked; Merril Lynched, Price Watered; Morgan Chased – nothing happened; But when Satyam lied; poor Raju is jailed! 2. Bush shoe-ting: Bush had a thing; Sent Osama hiding; Embraced our Singh; Let Obama be King; What an expert at ducking! 3. Lincoln watches Obama: His dream come true; He dropped down to view; When on his Bible, The novice did fumble; He smiled and withdrew. 4. Britain’s ban: Britain bans clicking its bobbies; To save them from terrorists; Indian should follow; So we can allow, Our Police to freely PRACTICE! 5. Obama bans outsourcing: (with apologies to Raj Kapoor) Mera jootha hai yeh Cheeni; Yeh pathloon Hindusthani; Sar pe lal topee Brazili; Phir bhi dil hai Mike Obami. 6. Vatican embraces Darwin: We are so pleased and gratified; That Darwin’s theory is sanctified; Both Pope and us, Came from Apes; And Sir Charles is to be beatified. 7. Report that most Britons falsely claim to have read Tolstoy: I too tried ‘Peace and War’; Found it an unreadable bore; But I read all of Shakespeare; Songs & Sonnets and King Liar; But most I love my Bertie; Shaken to his foundations, He said with honesty: “Hamlet is full of quotations!”. 8. Obama says no to foreign nurses: Gone is the Iron Curtain, Goner is the Bamboo Curtain; Busy are the Obamas, Behind their hungamas, Knitting a see-through Lace Curtain. 9. Dickens’ former home ‘Bleak House’ at Broadstairs, Kent is up for sale: The stairs may be broad but the house is bleak; The walls are broke and the roof will leak; The buyer will be taunted, That the house is haunted, By the ghosts of Winkle, Weller & Mr. Peekweek. 10. Queen & the Cauliflower: Folks kneel before me and the Pope; But these Yankees hug me and grope; This Michelle Obama, Like Spencer Diana, Brims with the ‘Audacity of a Dope’.

II. Bengal Special: 1. ‘Slight’ of hand; all except the Left consult palmists before elections: “I am the Hand of Maradona; And I that held up Indiramma; All get me read, Save those of the red; Buddha, Bosu & Brindamma”. 2. Bardhan slams Congress for adopting ‘Jai Ho’: Bardhan’s best at pitching, Into his opponents hitching, Onto bandwagons; But these shenanigans, Amount to ‘slumbitching’. 3. Humpty-Dumpty of Bengal: Buddha-Mamata fought on a wall; Buddha-Mamata had a great fall; Not all their wits, Nor their big sticks, Can lure Tata back to their stall. 4. Mamata’s Bloody Pledge: “Boats sail on rivers; Ships sail on seas; But Tata’s cute Nano, Stolen by Narendro, Sails on the blood of W.Bees”. 5. Nano makes a splash: Nano comes in 3 colors: Blue, white and red; A splash in Mamata’s metaphors, Turns them all Bloody Red. 6. Buddha: ‘Post election Math will decide Chemistry: To Maya born under a sal tree; Ditching his son and wedded stree; Of maya-mamata to get free; Penanced under a peepal tree; But can’t get rid of either stree; Now seeks power and pelf in Chemistry!


III. Rest of India: 1. Every dog its day! : Pet dog, Lap dog, Bull dog, Watch dog, Hot dog, Top dog; Better rear a Slumdog. 2. Slumdog’s fallout: Bombay was our melting pot; In November it was boiling hot; What Taliban tried to do; Our slumdog did undo; Bombay’s again a tourist resort. 3. 26/11 Forgot! : Abhinav Bindra shooting away, So many Oscars on our way; Ring a Ring a Roses! Pocket full a poses; …Time to bury Bombay! 4. King’s last resort: One Bill I had in pocket, The other Bill in my jacket; With Satyam waylaid, All bills unpaid; I’d get a Lok Sabha ticket. 5. Language goes to dogs: ‘Slumdog’ offends Slums; ‘Top Dog’ offends Muslims; Alien lingoes, Upset jingoes; As ‘Big Dog’ smiles down heavens. 6. Burn & Dance: Couple o’ weeks ago, Dharavi let go!; It torched, It scorched, Danny & Co. Now O Saya!, Oscars aagayaa; It sings, It swings; Rahaman ki Maya! 7. Hillary mulling a Deal with Taliban: “You gobble Afghanistan, Pakistan; Hindustan, Ceylon & Iran; But leave Europe & US, In Everlasting Peace”; Smirks the Ghost of Chamberlain. 8. Amma is fast…ing!: Amma’s instincts are always right; To fight for her voters’ basic rights; What’s a day’s fast?; It can’t last; She can more than make it up at night!. 9. Proof of Rebirth Theory: Take a look at Laloo: Photo-milking his buffaloo; So much wit and GRIST; Can anyone hope to get?; And beget it at one GO! 10. Advani’s Challenge: My name is Advani; Hindu, Hindi, Hindustani; I dare anyone debate me; Sikh, Isai, Islambhai; Except Uma that SANYASINI!; My name is L. K. Advani. 11. As You Like It! Former IAS Officer complains to CEO about Purandareswari’s Book Release violating Poll Code: (With apologies to Shakespeare): Books thrown in running brooks, Tongues tied firmly in cheeks, Sermons greeted by pelted stones; And Poll Code violated in Everything! 12. Out of Thin Air!: Air Deccan Founder takes electoral plunge: (with apologies to Emerson) They reckon ill that leave me out; When me they fly I am the wings; I am the voter who voted me out; And I the flier who singed his wings. 13. Tweedledum & Tweedledee: When one was in, the other was out; Then both were in, now both are out; Both are now locked in embrace; But one says Aye, the other Nay; Both are Yadavs out and out. 14. Chairman Mao’s Karat(e) guide: Give them food, they ask sex; Give them sex, they ask house; Give them house they ask job; Give them job, they ask News; Give them news, they ask Vote; Then Freedom, that’s your doom; DON’T GIVE THEM FOOD! Learn from My Lai & Dalai; Food is ticket for Tibet! 15. Advani’s Confession..sorry Confusion: “I meant to say Osama; It came out as Obama; My tongue didn’t slip; It’s a Freudian slip; I’m told both are Musalmana”.

IV. Gandhijee: 1. Gandhi’s auction: "Gandhijee, O Father of
Our Nation!; We all vow to stall thy auction; We swear by Thee!, Who made us Free, To loot this nation!”. 2. Lage Raho Munna Bhai! MRPS workers damaged the statue of Mahatma Gandhi and broke its hands and legs: Raama, Buddha, Christ and Gandhi; Sure will survive your banter and bandy; Don’t be furious; They are mere IDEAS!; Cash in on them like our Munnabhai dandy! 3. Tipsy Gandhi: “Gandhi in Heaven, did you watch?; I just bought your specs and watch”. Gandhi smiles; A tipsy smile; “Here’s is a Heaven’s Brew, smartly catch! 4. Gandhi’s latest Will: Special Police Officer K. S. Raju succumbs to his injuries trying to save Gandhi Bhavan set on fire by MRPS activists: “All people are born to die; Police & Army are paid to die; Jihadis prefer to die; Several times I tried to die; Yet I wish…hic…..; Rajus get a speck; Of that $ 1.8 million pie”. 5. Gandhi couldn’t care! “I have drops of Gandhi’s blood and his ashes up for deal, sale or auction”…..James Otis : Otis: “Here is thy blood and here thine ashes; This is our wine, and these molasses”….. “Gandhi”: ‘But I am a Hindoo; None of this voodoo; I am the Spirit transcending Judasses; 30 pieces of silver, Is the price of Jackasses”. 6. Unhappy Pauper: Gandhi’s statue couldn’t be unveiled due to Model Code of Conduct: (with apologies to Oscar Wilde’s Happy Prince) “Swallow swallow, little swallow!; Lift the veil, it’s too hot”; “I can’t do it, I’ll be caught; dragged before EC, maybe shot”; “Tell me at least what’s on”; “All make merry with booze and biryan”; “Who will win and who will lose?”; “Whoever wins, you’ll lose; First you get a flowery noose; Then your limbs broken loose!”
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