Loony Lines

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In a religiously religious ceremony in my 13th year, my father performed this Upanayanam Ritual on me just before I quit our Village for higher studies (in a perfectly useless subject called Theoretical Physics).

Since it was the first major function in my father's family, most everyone of our relatives came down to attend it leaving their business and traveling in a World War II Bus. And each of them gave me presents in Liquid Cash.

Since my father was the much-loved HM of the Village School, everyone in the Village and its environs gifted whatever was required like Ghee, Rice, Vegetables, Firewood [for both the Religious (Sacrificial) and the Secular (Cooking) Fires].

Bottom Line:

Expenditure: Rs 200
Revenues: Rs 400
Profit: 100%

The Highpoint or Climax of the Upanayanam Function is the Whispering of the Sacred Gayatri Mantra in my ears; and the Dangling of the Sacred Thread ceremonially around my upper torso.

I have nothing against the mantra: it has a lovely and deep meaning which we shall not go into.

But the Sacred Thread comes with lots of injunctions:

You can never never ever....be without it on your body, till you renounce your Family Life and Uppercrust Brahmin Caste and go forth as a Mendicant, when it is stripped off your torso in another equally Religious Function.

It should be made of pure cotton and will have three strands till you marry when you will acquire six more making nine in all.

When you go to the toilet for bladder evacuation, you have to pull it out from one side and twist it around your left ear for the nonce. If it turns out to be intestinal evacuation, you have to make it into a garland and wear it around your neck like a necklace.

Every year on the Full Moon Day coinciding with the Rakhee Festival, you have to replace the old and worn-out one with a brand new thing for the next year: Almost like a snake casts off its slough. But with this difference: The new one is worn (as an apprentice) along with the old one for one day before the old one is peeled out. Then, the old one can't be thrown in the dustbin. It has to be left hanging on the branch of a Neem Tree till Nature takes its course of bio-degradation.

And the casting off of the old one can't be done by you just like changing your shirt: it has to be accompanied by a suitable mantra after the new thread has been sanctified.

And during the annual Shradh Cermeony for your Heaven-Bound Ancestors that can last anything from 1 to 3 hours depending on the business schedule of the Purohit, there will be a couple of dozen times when he asks you to change your Sacred Thread right and left and left and right and back and forth. And if he is in a hurry to see off your Friend's Ancestors who are in an equal hurry, he will ask you perform this drill so fast that you will tire of it and feel like asking your Ancestors to go on the back of your Purohit to the Other Place (as Huck calls it charmingly).

All these rituals, rites, pro-and-con-injunctions must be having their deep meaning and significance.

But I am not told.

And if I ask I get the standard reply: "Mind your business and do what you are told to and don't arg!

The first problem starts with the inferior quality of the Thread brought by the Purohit (Business being Business). So, it will wear out in no time and the strands will start snapping one by one and you can't make a do-it-yourself job of tying the loose ends. The Purohit should be involved and invited and a small function has to be arranged for the Emergency Replacement Ceremony; and you smell a racket there.

If you rebel and buy a new one from the Puja Market and bring it home, it will invariably turn out that you can't unwind it before winding it around your neck: It will be like the Incident in the Three Men in a Boat where Harris & Co had a miserable time trying to disentangle the steel coils.

That the whole thing is a racket is reinforced by another ritual: if your baby happens to be born with its umbilical cord around its neck or shoulders (one in a hundred cases or so), the Purohit will insist that a mini-sacred-thread made of at least silver if not gold be ordered, and will make the baby wear it around its neck or shoulder, as the case maybe, during the baby's Sanctifying Baptism Ceremony with appropriate mantras again (the silver or gold thread will be the Purohit's after the ritual is over).

That the whole thing is reduced to a Joke will smack you when you get Herpes Joster (a terrible long-lasting viral infection accompanied by burning itchy oozy rashes spreading along a line that I had 3 years ago). In most cases the line will be around your shoulder diagonally just like a sacred Thread:

It is appropriately called in our lingo: "Jandhyala Sarpi: Sacred Thread Herpes"


...Posted by Ishani


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