Sealed Units

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The ultimate sealed unit of Mother Nature is a coconut.

I had no end of trouble with it in my childhood.

It is like this:

Ganesh Puja is a very auspicious and homely festival for us. We wake up early in the morning and do all preparations for the elders to make the Puja successful, but don't get even an idli for breakfast. For, we are told that sumptuous marks await us in the exams if we fast till the Puja is over and the entire goodies like payas, vadas and lemon rice are first offered to the hungry Ganeshjee.

And for Puja to begin we had to wait for the Village Pundit to arrive and preside over the Puja with all sorts of mantras and tantras. And the chap would never come to our house before 1 PM. Reason: he has half a dozen other houses to attend and perform. And my Father being a Sanskrit scholar, would make him do everything right, criticizing him every once in a while. So, the Puja in our house would take him an hour while the other laymen are happy to let him go away (and gorge) in ten minutes...I never understood why Father needed the services of a Pundit...he could very well do it himself (as I do nowadays in our home, Ishani permitting)...I guess it is an ego issue...

Anyway, the last rite of the Puja is breaking the coconut. And as Father broke it with one expert hit, he would discover it is rotten from within (coconuts are great impostors).

Now, Father can't get up since he is the Officiating Brahmin...and the Pundit couldn't care less. So, the only available male was me. And Father would hand me the two coconut halves, command me to go to our Grocer, show him how rotten his stuff was and ask for a free replacement...and you know what happens...a kid can't argue with a mustachioed bania and I would return empty-handed; and wink at my mom to come outside with a four anna coin without Father's knowledge. And she would delve into her reserves and oblige.

And I would run in the hot sand and fetch the new one, mumbling some excuse to Father why I was so late.

And pray that the new one is not as rotten as the earlier...ha! If only kids' prayers were answered I would have been married a couple of decades earlier.

Same story here in Hyderabad with wayside green coconut vendors. I would ask the moochwalah to give me one with lots of sweet water but no malai. He would go about pretending to test a couple or more with the back of his sickle expertly (like a house surgeon with his knee-hammer) and choose one for me...and punch a hole in it, insert a straw in it nonchalantly, and hand it over. And it would taste as salty as brine or as tasteless as distilled water; and would be over in two sips...

Mother Nature, I am told by astrophycisits, has another perfectly sealed unit.

They call it a Black Hole.

Our Nobel-wining nephew went into rhapsodies singing the beauty of black holes, saying it is the epitome of mathematical perfection since it has at most three features (like our height, weight and sex). These are its Mass, Spin and Charge. Knowing which you know everything about it...which is not much.

If I order a Black Hole and get it, I would like to break it like a coconut to see its innards, how it looks, smells, tastes; what its history was, how many stars and galaxies it devoured, what were their names, whether any planets like ours had gone in...in short its whole Attitude.

But nothing happens...at least classically like for SC.

For most men (other than Sharatbabu), women (I mean married women) are sealed units...no way of knowing what goes on in their ripe coconuts...they throw up nasty surprises all the time...but cheer up...here is the latest buzz:

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DC (Independence Day) News Item (I quote verbatim hoping you haven't read it):

Women gossip for 5 hours a day
(with photo)

London, Aug 15

Women never change it seems. The average female spends five hours a day gossiping---whether at home or at work, a new survey has found.

According to the British survey, women chatter for 298 minutes daily--in fact discussing other people's problems, who's dating who and other people's children form the basis of most chats; other subjects cropping up regularly are sex, shopping and soaps.

The Survey also found that women spend 24 minutes a day discussing their weight, diet and dress size. One third say they spend a chunk of their day discussing what they are eating for lunch, while a quarter regularly exchange recipes.

Other topics include what cosmetic surgery procedures they would like, what the mother-in-law has said, and which celebrities they fantasise about. Those with friendly neighbours spend nearly half-an-hour a week having a gossip or moan together.....PTI

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I guess the respondents were just bragging to impress us...

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