The other day I had to get my driving license renewed here.
And folks told me that I am very lucky since the RTA Office here is a Supermodel Office. Its ambiance is unbeatable. Everything is computerized. Everyone is helpful and courteous. It is a tourist attraction for any foreigner visiting our twin-cites. Indeed I saw busloads of foreign delegations being shepherded around the clean and green tree-lined office to see and learn and click...and go back home to show and tell.
It is the only 'Agent-less' RTA office in India as well as the rest of the developing world....China included maybe. You just go there, gawk at the dozen billboards saying: "No agents here!", stand in a fast-moving line to get the papers, stand in another line to get the token. And sit on a welcoming chair in the cool breezy verandah till your number comes up on the huge LED display board which also tells you the counter number you have to visit once inside the humming sanctum. And wait till your turn comes and deposit your papers. And then go home and rest. The whole thing takes less than half an hour...and within a week a courier visits your home and hands you your precious new driving license.
There were just two chores:
1. Get a fitness certificate from a Registered Medical Practitioner.
Luckily there was a resident RMP sitting in the next room. He looked older to me and so was happy to see my youthful face, figure and vigor. And he took but a minute to check 'ok' in their boxes for all the items like sugar, BP, vision, hearing, and brain damage...@ just Rs 30...
2. Get a latest photo of my 'bust'...sorry.
This also was a breeze. There was an 'official' Digital Camera Room nearby. And I sat down on the stool and the chap said, 'smile', and I pouted since I am toothless. Nonetheless he clicked me and asked me to get lost. I asked him, "How much?", and he looked offended.
I was aghast...I never saw such a wheeze in our Midnapore RTA Office in Bengal. There your trusted agent has all your details like your pollution check, registration, insurance, driving license and the dates on which these several things had to be renewed. He has your entire driving history and whenever he visits your home, you just pay him the amount he asks, and forget it. He will get back to you the next weekend, give you your papers, and leave after taking his commission which never exceeded Rs 50 for any task.
It was heaven of a different sort.
So I took my old driving license (original) to our RTA office. And found everything there just as advertized. When my token number came up, the lady behind the counter checked my papers and said:
"Oh, your license is from Bengal. Hmm! You have to meet the RTO who sits on the 4th floor. She will advise you what to do"
So, I climbed all those stairs (there is no lift or escalator unfortunately and I am a senior citizen).
The RTO was very courteous and inspected my old and dilapidated driving license...it was a booklet bound in dirt-red cloth, originally issued in 1984. And she said:
"You have to get an obstruct from the RTO of Midnapore and deposit it here"
I thought I heard wrong and said:
"Can you repeat that please?"
"You have to get an obstruct from the RTO of Midnapore and deposit it here"
I felt too shy to ask her to repeat it once again and so I left the place sullenly trying to decode her message. After an hour of deep introspection on my violin, I decoded her 'obstruct' as a quirk of speech for 'abstract'...just like Thurber's maid said to his wife that he was bringing home a 'cockeyed Spaniard'...he had said, 'cocker spaniel'.
I said, 'hurrah!' to myself but started wondering how I could make an impossible visit all the way to Midnapore within the couple of weeks left for the job.
And after an hour of search I discovered my Midnapore agent's phone number and called him and explained to him my problem. And he said I have to send him my old driving license (original) by courier, enclosing an application to the RTO, Midnapore, and a self-addressed envelope for him to courier me my Abstract along with my old driving license.
"I want it within a week"
"Impossible, sir!"
"Think again!"
"Ok, sir, enclose a Rs 1000 Note also in the envelope"
"1000!"
"Could be more sir, I will try my best"
I did as he wished in a jiffy and rang him up.
After 4 days he called me up again:
"Sir, your papers are ready, but it cost me Rs 500 more"
"And your commission?"
"No sir, I won't take any commission from you"
So I couriered him another Rs 500 note and asked him to send my papers pronto.
And my osbtruct arrived within ten days.
I ran to my RTO who inspected it and said:
"Your driving history is clean...you can take it to the ma'am in Counter # 5"
Which I did. The ma'am there smiled and took all my papers and filed them but she said:
"Everything is now in order. Please submit your address proof"
"What proof do you want?"
"Your latest gas receipt"
"We have piped gas in our Gated Community and we don't have individual gas receipts"
"Then your BSNL landline receipt"
"We don't have any landline and all the four of us have our mobiles"
"Then your passport"
"I never had any passport"
"Your latest current bill"
"It is in my son's name. But I live in my own house and I can bring you my latest house-tax receipt"
"But you might have rented it out"
"I have my car's registration card issued by your own RTO"
"We don't consider it as your address proof"
"But it has my home address"
"You might have shifted home without informing us"
"What shall I do now?"
"Ok, you bring the current bill that is in your son's name"
"How does it serve as an address proof? When we were living earlier in our rented apartment, we paid the current bills that came to our flat in our owner's name...not ours"
"But this is the rule"
"How do you know that I am living with my son?"
"But you said so?"
"Ok...I shall bring his current bill"
"Oh...and a proof that you are indeed his father"
"What do you mean...a DNA test?"
She laughed and said:
"Just bring his passport if he has one"
"Oh, he does have one mercifully...but it is a decade old and the address there is Qrs B-140, IIT Kharagpur"
"NO! It has your son's father's name in it, no?"
"Oh, ok, I understand...thanks. And then you will hand me my renewed driving license?"
"Never...we will post it by Speed Post to your residential address"
"Then why do you need any address proof at all...it is I who gives my address to you, and if it is not my true address the Speed Post will rebound to you, no?"
"No...you may bribe your old postman to hand it over to you whenever he rings you up"
"The whole thing appears very tight foolproof indeed, thanks"
I did get my renewed driving license by Speed Post; and was describing my adventures at our supermodel RTA Office to my colleague who also retired from IIT Kharagpur and settled here. And he said:
"Why did you go there at all?...I never went there for renewing my driving license"
"Through an agent"
"How much did it cost?"
"Rs 200"
"How much did it cost?"
"Rs 200"
"But it is written there...all over...that it is the only Agent-less office in India!"
And he smiled and winked....
Maybe he was bluffing...
Maybe not...
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