Humor on Rails

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For forty years I was commuting between Gudur (my parents' place) and KGP (my workplace ;-) twice every year during summer and winter vacations by the Madras-Howrah Mail. It so happens that Gudur is the first halt after Madras, a couple of hours later, while KGP is the last halt before Howrah, a couple of hours earlier. To ease trouble for city-slickers, Madras-Howrah Mail started at Madras leisurely at around 11 PM so that everyone could have their dinner and board and sleep off. Again, it used to reach Howrah first thing with the milk the next day but one, around 5 AM. So my upload time at Gudur was an unearthly 1 AM and download time at KGP was an equally unearthly 3 AM. So with the Down Mail.

It was all a heck of a punishment.

NCN was a close friend of mine in the Faculty Hostel during 1965-67. He then shifted as a Lecturer in ChE to KREC, Suratkal (Mangalore), while I stuck doggedly to KGP. After about a decade of silence, I got a 'wire' from NCN that he got married recently and was traveling from Madras to his home town Vijayawada by the hoary Madras-Howrah Mail with his brand new wife, and could I please meet them up at Gudur (where I was staying on a summer vacation). The train was supposed to arrive at Gudur at 1 AM and halt for just 2 minutes. I was still a bachelor then and was hesitant to confront a newly-wed lady (even for 2 minutes). But, luckily my younger sister (who did a 1-year PG Diploma in Physics at KGP) was at Gudur and readily agreed to accompany me to the Gudur Station.

We thought it would be nice to carry a bouquet of jasmines and roses and deliver it to the bride. We reached Gudur Station just in time and ran helter-skelter till we found the couple in front of their S3 Bogie eagerly waiting for us. My sister delivered the bouquet to the bride who was most pleased with it and us, and we started reminiscing about our time at KGP, in a hurry...

How is Suratkal?
Fine
How is KGP?
Fine
How is Rathin-da?
Fine
You have a wonderful wife
Isn't she?
When are you getting married?
Well, well, well...

By then the 2 minutes were happily over but the Mail didn't toot. So we repeated:

How is Suratkal?
Fine
How is KGP?
Fine
.......

By then 5 minutes were over; and then 15 and then 30 and then one whole hour before it did at last toot. Meanwhile, they were asking us to please go home since it is too late for our sleep; while we were saying not at all and they could as well get into the train which may start anytime; no, not at all, pleasure...

How is Suratkal?
Fine
How is KGP?
Fine.....

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Prof RSS (sadly no more) narrated his hilarious experience with the Howarh-Madras Mail at Gudur. He and a couple of his Research Scholars were traveling to Tirupati to attend a Conference there. To reach Tirupati they had to download at Gudur and take a bus.

RSS was traveling in the AC 2-Tier while his poor students were traveling by the 3-tier Sleeper. They consulted the Time Tables and found that the Howrah-Madras Mail reaches Gudur at 2.30 AM and halts for just 2 minutes before taking off. The students asked their guide RSS not to worry but sleep off and they would run up to his Bogie and wake him up at Gudur.

And they did run up and down and missed the AC 2-Tier and ran helter-skelter and finally barged in and woke up RSS and asked him to get down pronto before the train toots off. And helped him with his luggage and found that he was in his summer underwear but no matter.

As RSS recovered his senses and his specs and his pants to the merriment of the porters, and looked at his wrist watch, he found it was just 1.30 AM, a good one hour before its scheduled arrival time. And the Mail took a good one-hour rest on the Gudur platform while the KGP Party were cooling their heels and trying to get a cup of Tea.

And made asses of themselves.

I was sorry I didn't brief RSS before they boarded the Mail at KGP. It so happens that Gudur Station is the Last Post of the South-Central Railway before the prestigious Mail is handed over to the Southern Railway there. And the SC Rly Authorities don't want to hand it over late and get a bad name. So, they keep a one-hour travel time (time-dilation) in their pocket. And the Mail, if everything goes right, would arrive at Gudur one good hour before its 'printed' time of 2.30 AM and stay there happily. In case it got delayed by anything up to one hour, no problem...

Mysterious truly are the internecine wars of Indian Railways!

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