Bernard Levin's Theorem

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My Guru SDM, in his inimitable style told me one day that he happened to chance upon the current text prescribed for students of 'Logic' (yes, indeed there was this option for us to choose 'Logic' as an Arts subject). And waded through it cover to cover hoping it would benefit him in his Science studies. And threw it out of the window. I remember my sister who chose this subject mugging up queer Latin stuff like: 'post-hoc ergo propter hoc', syllogisms, and such weird conclusions like: "Romeo touches the tree; the tree touches Juliet's window; so Romeo touches Juliet".

SDM's own powers of observation and deduction were very typical, to say the least. He told me that one evening, when he was 5 years old, he didn't return home from a renowned Puja Pandal but stayed put there the whole night, while his folks launched Search Parties all over the place. Next morning when he returned home and was cornered, he let it out that he wanted to check if Durgamai really would descend from her pedestal and eat the sumptuous offerings that her devotees left there. On asking for his conclusions, he said either his folks were all deluding themselves by partaking her holy 'prosad' or she is too shy to eat while watched.

Another day when he was a Lecturer at the Calcutta University, he was walking down to his College lugging his trademark heavy bag bought in England. And while crossing the busy chaurasta midway, his shoe lace gave, and he put his bag down and was busy tying it up; when there was this shrill whistle from the Policeman manning the Traffic Island. He didn't bother much and continued his task leisurely. Upon which the cop came down from his pedestal and gave him a juicy drubbing for halting the traffic in the middle of the busy hour. He was mortified as he was escorted to the Traffic Island and helped in tying his laces.

He then crossed the road and stood there transfixed thinking. And when asked by his colleagues, he told them that he was wondering how this ill-paid Traffic Cop got so much Power to stop all traffic irrespective of whether they were Tatas, Birlas, or Dalmiyas; not to talk of esteemed Professors with Calcutta University D Scs under their belts. His conclusion: "The Policeman gets his tremendous Power straight from the Parliament; i.e. we people ourselves!"

When I joined IIT KGP, it was a very small place. There was only one gate into the Main Building, that is the Main Gate. And all Classes started sharp at 7 AM, broke off at 11 AM, and again from 1 PM to 4 PM. The minutes and seconds around these peak hours saw the heaviest traffic ever seen anywhere. All the 1000 students would rush into the Main Gate on their ramshackle push-bikes riding twosomes and threesomes. Mid-Road Collisions and broken teeth were a common sight. The Main Gate was a 'text-book bottle-neck' and the streamlined traffic till that constriction used to go haywire and become highly turbulent, with eddies and such.

Only one Security Guard could man that BC Roy Island. No one knew his real name: he was called Ram-Ramjee by everyone owing to his habit of mouthing 'Ram-Ram!' whenever someone tried to break his rules. The trouble was that all Major Departments were to the right as one nears the BC Roy Island from the Main Gate. And all students were intent on taking the right turn instead of going round the big Circle. But Ram-Ramjee would have none of it. He used to give them ultra-strong Bhojpuri stuff and pull down the cyclists from their seats and give them a sound drubbing; during which minute a couple of hundred cyclists would sneak in at breakneck speed much to his chagrin. It was a great sight to watch. And he didn't spare Teachers either. And after the traffic suddenly ceased at 7.05, he would go round the Institute looking for cycles parked outside their designated stands and mercilessly deflate them.

When he fell ill with fever one evening and the Doctor at B C Roy Hospital said it was due to his getting soaked in rain and advised him to take rest for a few days, he declined and was back at his beloved Post getting drenched again. Rumor had it that one of the Final Year students took up as his B Tech Project the design of a hands-free umbrella whose handle can be safely tucked into his belt with a sturdy but light 'snap-up' tackle. And our wry BC Roy Hall Colleague, Padmanabhan aptly called Ram-Ramjee then on: Chatranabhan.

A couple of years back there was this big news item in DC: A young and enthusiastic traffic cop manning the arterial Punjagutta Junction stopped a car, got it into the kerb and began chastising the Driver for not following the brand-new Seat-Belt Rule. The Driver coolly asked him for the Challan. But the cop insisted on haranguing him. At last, the Driver lost his cool and barked at him: "I am a High Court Judge". Upon which the young cop was reported saying that it made matters worse, because: "Ignorance of Law is no excuse", a standard judicial lingo. The Judge was aghast at getting the wrong end of the stick and had to pull out his mobile phone to talk to the Top Boss of the Police Department. Upon which the youthful cop said it made matters even more worse, because it violates the other Rule banning use of mobile phones while driving.

Apparently, his senior cops quickly came to the rescue, pulled the young one away and let the Judge go with appropriate apologies. I guess the young chap was shifted to a remote place in the outskirts, but with a 'three-star' entry in his Service Record; Police are always fed up listening to strictures from the Bench about their sloppy investigations in criminal cases.

In my experience during my times, outside of home, the most difficult relationship was between a Research Scholar and his Guide. It tended to be very one-sided while it lasted. The Guide had almost absolute Power over his Scholar till he gets his Degree Certificate. Anytime before that, the Guide could come in the way and spoil the Party. In such one-sided relationships, there was always a tendency for acrimony largely because in 5 long years, the Scholar gets to know too much about the Guide and his Work Ethic. Building and keeping a large School of Research going required much ripeness and tact from the Guide.

Here is the wonderful Theorem propounded by Bernard Levin:

"The less Power a man has, the more eager is he to wield it"

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