Queues

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On queues I am a world-class authority, certainly...

Before I write anything on any subject nowadays, this 'world-class' thing gnaws, tugs and pulls at my conscience...can I prove to the world that I am entitled to talk about it?

I don't know now, but during my middle ages at IIT KGP it was universally acknowledged that IIT Kanpur was world-class, particularly their Physics Department.

As a proof of this I can cite that only IIT Kanpur (apart from MIT) had the 'last laugh' column in their Reco Forms asking the Recommender to commend himself or herself (in as many words as possible) proving his or her competence to recommend someone else. Ideally that meant I had to submit a Reco for myself from my HoD, he from the Diro KGP, he from the Diro Kanpur, and he from the most world-famous Physicist in his Physics Dept, thus sort of closing the loop.

Anyway, in Queuing Theory I have a cute and cuddly 20 page Paper in a world-class Journal called International Journal of Production Research (UK)

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Unfortunately SDM would dismiss my claims since it is not an independent paper but I was at the tail end of as many as 3 other Industrial Engineers. But now I can buttress my claims by citing that one of my co-authors retired as a Deputy Director @ IIT KGP, another is right now the Director @ IIT KGP, while the third must be, I am sure, queuing for Vice Chancellorship of one reputed University or the other.

That ought to silence SDM who was scared shoot of administrators after goofing up his one-year stint as HoD (Physics) rather phenomenally (he was about to be impeached by Raamda).

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That Paper bristles with exact analytical solutions of a horrible nested double integral equation which is neither of the Fredholm nor of the Volterra type.

Well, Queuing Theory is one thing and its Practice quite another.

No amount of Theory helped me beat queues anywhere in India.

Let me cite today's example:

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I wanted to send a lovable packet of Ishani booklets to UK.

I took the cute packet to the nearest Post Office and found that there were 2 counters side by side manned by two handsome but no-nonsense middle aged ladies.

One of the counters had a queue length of about 20 souls interspersed with ladies and gents (Hyderabad POs are un-chivalrous...they have no separate queues for ladies).

The other counter had none in front of it...the dame manning it was reading the newspaper.

So, I ran to her, tried to insert my packet in the cubbyhole in front of her, almost damaged the packet, and then dropped it over the counter.

The annoyed lady looked daggers at me, read the address and asked: "Speed Post or Registered?".

At random I said: Speed Post.

She then weighed it and wrote (to my immense delight) that the packet weighed 495 grams...I beat the system by 5 grams. She then tore off a cute-looking Speed Post Sticker and stuck it to the packet.

I asked her how much should I pay?

She scowled and replied: "How do I know...she knows it".

I then looked at she, switched on my charming toothless smile; and she abruptly ordered: "Join the line!".

I was by then the 41st queuee...there was Hyderabad bundh for the last two days...

I then joined the fag end of the comatose line. After half an hour, when my turn came, the dame looked at the packet, fiddled with her mouse, up and down and right and left, and after 2 good minutes, asked the earlier dame beside her to hand her the price-printout since her system didn't seem to be working.

The original one coolly handed the printout, damn her, to the recent dame who looked it up and looked it down and said: Rs 1020.

I almost fainted and murmured weakly that it ought be just around Rs 200.

She scowled at me and said: "You said Speed Post!"

I demurred and asked her to forget about the speed thing. She then looked at the printout again and confirmed that for ordinary Air Mail it is indeed Rs 210.

I heaved a sigh of immense relief and opened my wallet.

She brushed me aside and asked me to go back to she, whose pleasant and profitable duty it is to sell stamps for money (she gets a commission I guess).

I then got back to the earlier counter and joined the tail of her queue which by now has about 13 hapless folks....

You get the picture right!

And I, a world-class author in Queuing Theory...



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